letting go. telling it all.

"letting go doesn't mean giving up. but rather, accepting that there are things that cannot be"

i know now what it feels like.
and i know that... i've let go.

i know that there are things that are not meant to be, and that there are things that will happen in good time.

i'm not saying i condone what you did. in fact, i abhor it, mostly because i think it brings upon the parties, the most painful of pains.
what i'm saying is that, i've accepted the fact, gradually over time (no, definitely not overnight), that there are certain things in life i'm not meant to have, certain people i'm not mean to share my life (or parts of it) with.
and that i'm okay with that.

and looking back, i am just sad that we ended on a bad note. when i said that i hope that someday we'll be able to face each other and talk civilly, casually again, i actually really meant it.
i'm ready for that. but i don't think you are. so i suppose i will just wait.

do i still have feelings for you?
well...yes. and no.
are they the same feelings i had for you when we were together?
no.
are they the feelings i had when we were breaking apart?
no.
are they just feelings that make you different and special (either in a good or bad way)?
yes.
because to me, although we were friends, we can't ever rewind and reverse things to friendship status again.
after almost 3 years, it's too difficult.
and so, as much as i hate to admit it,
we're somewhere in between.
and i guess that's the way it will stay.

do i approve of your relationship with her?
no.
but only because, personally, i feel very strongly against relationships like that.
will i dislike or even hate you because of that?
no.
because although it has taken me this long, i respect your decision.
i may not support it, or condone it, but i respect it as your right and choice.

am i still hurting?
yes. and no.
it's not something that goes away easily, or something that will ever go away.
i know deep down, that i can never return to my earlier state.
and i know that this will haunt me for the rest of my life.
but i do know, for sure, very surely, that i don't hurt the way i used to, a year ago.
in fact, i was in so much pain last year, i can't even begin to describe it to you.
today, i am so much better. i don't even think about it anymore.
so relatively speaking, no i am no longer hurting as much as i was before.

i am pretty sure, and pretty confident, that i can look you in the face and not break down.
so am i ready to face you?
yes.
am i ready to talk to you? possibly.

are you ready?
i don't know.