return.

yes. ok. i've been back for almost a week now. but i could NOT bring myself to update this blog..
i had an awesome time in the US and coming back makes the reality of work so much harder.
it's just round the corner..the next and more or less, final phase of my life. unless i decide to quit work and open a patisserie or smth.
or if i join the rest of my tai-tai ambitious friends, and go down that road.
that would probably require a rich and handsome husband.
urgh.

i have bigger dreams than that! :)

i literally spent a BOMB in the US! the credit card bills came in today...and my roaming phone bill. URGH. so that would mean that i would have to work extra hard so that i can pay my parents back. feeling awful right now being in debt. hate owing people money.

my results were a definitely, pleasant surprise. i know you probably won't believe it when i tell you i expected a B+ or lower. but i'm being honest and most people don't seem to understand or believe when i tell them that i didn't put in my 100% into this HT. i wish i had. and there were many times when i saw others working so hard on their papers and the times in between the deadline and the result, when i would look back and wish that i had put in more effort, and times when i told myself that it's too late and i should've worked harder from the beginning - i.e. december 2009 - and i would tell myself that it's okay even if i don't get my first class.
so, at midnight on the 31st of may, somewhere in downtown san diego, when i got that sms with my final results - and that ever-elusive A- - i freaked out. like literally jumped out of my skin. never would i imagine that in a million years i would've clinched it.
i remember just being so nervous the entire evening and then letting it all out when i got my results. the world really, really, really works in mysterious ways.
i guess this is one of those times.
and i really, really, really am very grateful to God for seeing me through so much so far.


about two months ago, i tried to make peace with you. and til now, i've not gotten a response. so, rather than keep waiting, i suppose i should probably take this as a 'no'. maybe you're being held back by something, or maybe you think i haven't changed. or maybe you are still angry.
but like i said, i know myself, and i know i'm ready. there is no point in lying to myself or to you, because what would that achieve? and how would i ever reconcile things if i lied?
i'm not angry anymore, and neither am i in pain. it was hurting, and yes it was painful. but that's all in the past and i've learnt to come to terms with it and grown from there. as i hope you have. i'm not going to attack you or her or put you down for what happened last year.

so, like i said, i'm reaching out, and keeping my head down, just waiting. it's really up to you to take the next step.
it's just not right you know, cutting ties with someone forever. it's just not right. i don't really want to let this carry on forever, or worse still, look back on this incident 50 years down the road, when i'm about to die and then regret.
i just don't want to live a life like that, if you know what i mean.