crumbling.

sometimes i just want to crumble on the inside and disappear.

i feel papery and thin and completely lost within myself.

i cling onto whatever i have left of me because i'm pretty sure that i've lost too many parts of myself to you. and i feel tainted, and dirty and used. and i'd give anything to get all those parts back.

anything.

it's a trying time now.
it's me and my books and God.

i just want to emerge from this second chapter of my life a more complete person, a better being and a happier soul.

i want to be cleansed and free. and i want to be at peace.
and somehow, i know that that would involve washing my hands off you, off us and off those really really bad months.

somehow, i can't bring myself to do it.
i can probably in good time, forgive you.
but i can't bring myself to accept your relationship with her.
and i can't bring myself to forget and let go of all those things you said to me.

i bet you didn't realise it then, 7 months ago, how much of an impression those words would make on me.
and how big a dent you left in my heart when you said them and when you left.
and i didn't either.
i can't understand why i sit here, more than half a year later, trying to figure out, how to heal.
still, trying to figure out how to heal.

i was in pain, i guess i still am, but somehow or rather, i manage it better these days.
maybe.

does that mean i'm older and wiser and more mature?
does that make me a better person? does it help?
in a way, yes. but more likely - no.

and i pray for some release, i pray to be able to just be cleansed. of all those ill-fated memories, i want so badly for this to end, for me to be happy again.
i want to be restored to who i was before i met you. but i know that's a stupid thing to wish for, and i know at the end of the day, i'd rather not. because i am who i am now, and it's for the best.

they say everything happens for a reason right? i haven't found that reason yet.
i'm pretty sure i will, in good time. but in between then and then, i am struggling to find some meaning to all that's happened.

i don't know how to let go, and i don't know how to feel better.
and i wish there was a guidebook or a website that could teach me how.
or someone who could tell me that the future's gonna be okay.

i'm scared you know. and i'm pretty sure i've told you this before.
i'm scared of the future because everything is so damn uncertain.