no details as yet. heh. sorry!
i woke up on a sunday with a migraine...no wait, i didn't wake up because I DIDN'T SLEEP. seriously.
i woke up with a migraine, aching legs, a numb big toe on my right foot (which is still numb two days later) a sore throat and a dreaded feeling that the exams are just round the corner and all the partying and procastinating which i had planned to do, has come and gone and now i have no choice but to sit my butt down and do work.
i'm thinking of making this blog private because i'm scared of exposing myself too much. i harbour too many secrets, i keep too many skeletons in my closet. it's a bad thing, but it's also good. there is this whole world inside of me which i refuse to let anyone into and i'm intent on keeping it that way. it's what keeps me grounded. it's what keeps me aware of who i am, of what i am, in the midst of the whirlwind that is now my life.
you see, i don't want to lose myself. i don't want to lose who i am, the way i almost lost it to you 6 months ago. i don't.want.that.again.
i'm intent on making sure that in the future, i don't lose myself entirely to a guy, that i'm not vulnerable, that i maintain my distance - both literally and metaphorically - that i keep a part of myself in myself, a part that only i know of, a part that i guard jealously, a part that i will never reveal to you. i need this. i need to do this because i don't want to change or compromise on my principles, on my values on what i believe to be so important and integral to me - i don't want to give it up to some dumb fuck of a guy until i'm really sure. and i don't want to compromise any part of this secret world of me that i very strongly believe, i deserve to have.
and funnily, this blog is sometimes an extension of that part of me.
and that really motivates me to privatise it. and to hit the "closed blog" button.
i don't know. i feel very undecided over this.
i know that eventually, i have to open this part of me up to someone, somehow, someday. and i'm just not ready to do it as yet. i don't know if i ever will be. and i don't know if this will affect/colour my future relationships/marriage even.
if i can't give myself completely to that special person, then how can i commit myself in the first place?
i guess all this stems from a combination of my inherently insecure character and my very bad experience this year.
when i told you that your actions would affect my future relationships, and possibly, my entire life - i really wasn't kidding. or being emo. or melodramatic. i had analysed it from the very day i found out about you and her (because i'm fatalistic like that); and i was pretty sure of this conclusion.
it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy, i can grant you that.
but then again, life is just a series of things that happen to you. and these things/events/people just eventually accumulate to make you who you are and you can't really do a thing about it - except react. and this is the way i am reacting. what gives?
so i stumble home at night, like i stumble through my life.
we are always living in twilight.
i actually really love pictures of cities, especially cities at night/evening/dusk :)
something really special about the way they make you feel. so lost in the midst of the coming-and-going, so isolated and yet so comforting :)
perhaps its the way i seek solace in the midst of the daily rat-race huh?
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