free fallin'.

i don't really want to lose my footing.
i don't really want to lose myself.

8 months down the road i'm pretty sure i'm doing rather well.
because i made the conscious effort to do so.
i told myself i was not going to let it get the better of me.
that i was not going to let life pass me by while i waste away the days and drown in depression.
that i was not going to throw my life, my accomplishments, my grades, my future away over you.

and in a way, i've kept to these resolutions.
but in another way, maybe i still have alot more work left to do.

in some ways i feel extremely burdened today. like i have so much still left on the shelf, so much that's unresolved. and this doesn't really refer to you or us or what we were like before. it kinda refers to me.
i'm sort of a work-in-progress, a searching (lost?) soul, a restless spirit. i lost a lot of what used to anchor me down to earth because i was so dependent on that anchor that was you.
and now i sometimes feel like i am weightless and free falling. and i just want to find some solid to stand on. preferably the kind of ground that is made with my very own foundation.

i mean sure, i get my daily responsibilities done. i work hard, i do my assignments and get them done on time. i keep my grades, pay my bills, apply for jobs and generally do everything that i'm supposed to do - and do it well, at that.
but those are just daily motions. daily routines. that in a weird and warped way, actually help to keep me going.

it's when i have nothing to do, no one to see or talk to, that i feel lost. not alone. not lonely. just lost and weightless and unsure. i can't really explain the feeling to you.

i need to find that peace inside of me. the one i used to have wayyyy before i even met you.
the one that i know is still inside, somewhere and is waiting for me to find it. i need to be at peace with myself, my being. i need that.