fix.

it took me alot to do what i did that day.
to let my guard down, to climb out of the fortress i've built for myself over the past year, to humble myself and say sorry for the way things worked out.
a year ago, i never would've imagined that i'd do something like this.
and it took a lot from me.

so, i suppose even if i do not get a response from you, i'll know that i tried and that i reached out. and for me, that is healing enough. to come full circle and find some form of closure.
i still hurt, yes, don't get me wrong, but strangely enough, i feel like, somehow, reaching out to you has helped me to heal over these past few days, in ways that i never could've imagined before. who would've thought, that the path to "making things right" lay in simply finding the courage and the strength to forgive?

so yes, in spite of last month's minor set back, this is me, as i've said before, reaching out.
and it's really up to you, on your side of things, to decide if you want to complete the healing process.
beyond that, there is nothing much i can do really.

i could try praying about it, but then again, God answers over time. never over night. so, i don't know, maybe if you're looking for answers, then pray.

i did this not just for me, or you. i did it because deep down inside, i'm just not that kind of person who can bear a grudge, a black stain on another, for so long, or permanently even. i'm not one to lose people in my life forever, unless of course they die. but you're not dead. you walk this earth like living proof of unfinished business. of a friend and lover lost. of someone or something that could have been dealt with in so many better ways.
and i'm here to fix that. because that's the only way out.
i'm here because both you and i know that we cannot live the rest of our lives wracked with guilt, pain and unresolved misery.

i don't want to have to carry this to my grave, ernest. and i hope that you won't want to either.

i'm not looking for love, i'm looking for acceptance, for redemption, for forgiveness and renewal.
so i am reaching out.

i've admitted my mistakes. and i know that you're not entirely to blame for this, for the way things are right now. for the fact that we can no longer look each other face to face. please, put your guard down, get off the defensive, and reach back.