no, really, what does it actually mean to have a "broken heart"? to have your "heart broken"?
according to the world's premier source of information, the trusted Wikipedia,
A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor used to describe the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, through death, divorce, breakup, moving, being rejected, or other means.
heartbreak is the result of loss.
it is pain felt as a result of loss.
there, pure and simple.
cause: loss
what do we lose? love, comfort, security, people, animals, status, livelihood
effect: pain, or more specifically emotional heart pain = heart break
how does it feel like? well, it's pain - therefore, it hurts.
see. i've broken it down, i've analysed it for you. but i can't seem to analyse it for myself.
somebody once told me that feelings cannot be analysed, evaluated or even logically deconstructed. feelings are just what they are - feelings.
and surprisingly, despite being all logical and analytical, i am inclined to agree.
i spent months deconstructing everything, trying to put the pieces together on your side, on mine, trying to understand, to deduce, why i felt that way, how you felt and why.
it drove me up the wall.
i would go to bed at night, just tossing and turning and letting my mind go off on its logical cuckoo run. then i would somehow fall asleep from sheer exhaustion, from overanalysing, crying my eyes out and then wake up in bed early the next day, doing exactly the same thing for, maybe four hours.
so when you left, or when i left (for sanity's sake ...quite literally) it was something like this:
sleep at 2am.
toss and turn and analyse feelings for 4 hours.
sleep at 6am.
wake up at 8am.
toss and turn and analyse feelings for 4 hours. call a friend, try and get her to logically analyse things with me. cry over the phone. have no energy to get out of bed and do work.
finally get pulled out of bed around 12. or 1. or 2. sometimes 3pm.
shower, go through the motions, put my laptop in front of me, attempt to study but end up staring into space.
then maybe remember to eat.
maybe a friend will come over and hand me a fruit - e.g. a banana - just so that i wouldn't fall over and die.
repeat for the next day. and the next and the next.
it almost, almost drove me crazy. and i don't mean that as a metaphor. i meant, literally - nervous breakdown - crazy. i scared alot of the people around me, with the way i was behaving. my parents, my family, my friends. everyone.
and the worst thing was, i could not control my own body.
and believe you me, not having control over your own body and its needs and wants - one of the worst feelings ever.
it feels like you are merely an observer from within, and that you want so badly to get out of this rut, but you cannot because your body heals at a different pace from your mind, from what you logically want.
because you body - your heart, your flesh - it works on feelings.
it is constantly fighting a battle with your brain - it works on logic.
two opposing forces, and they eat at you.
why am i recounting all this?
because i believe that i've come far enough, or a long way, at least, from what i was a year ago. yes, a year ago, i was like that. and i felt like it would last for a very, very long time.
and all i can say now, is that i am so very, very grateful to have stepped out of this and metaphorically "washed off the shit".
my struggle has become my inspiration. and as cheesy as it may sound (yes i can hear you snorting), everytime i'm faced with some bullshit emotional struggle - whether it's cos of guys, or work or whatever - i think of this episode in my life, and somehow, with this closure and healing, and the crossing of this gargantuan hurdle, i feel so much stronger.
i may not, actually be stronger.
but i definitely FEEL it.
and this time, my brain knows how to take a back seat and let my heart take over.
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