no more burdens.

i feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. but at the same time, i have this dreaded feeling in the pits of my tummy, that my thesis is going to be a hard-sell :(
why oh why did i not do it the textbook way? what's the point of doing a thesis that way anyway!

it was a learning experience for me, nonetheless, and even if the profs don't buy it (because they are simply too stuck in their realist mindsets), it doesn't matter. because at least i know that being me (the hardcore realist that i am), i've actually ventured out of the rosy, predictable garden of realist thought, and sought to discover a different way of thinking for myself. and even if at the end of the day, it's so difficult to prove the existence of a concept as amorphous as culture, i would at least have come out of the entire experience, better equipped to defend realism.

so where does all this leave me?

1) lots of free time
2) a test and a report to complete before i officially end school (how anti-climatic right?)
3) a grad trip to plan and go on!
4) a job to start my life out with in july

things are changing, so rapidly.
it scares me.
i like change, but i hate uncertainty...does it make sense?

i feel like in about two days' time, i would've crossed a major hurdle. i remember the 5th of april last year very, very clearly.
i remember the date because it was the day before my politics and visual culture essay was due. and i had not written a single word of it. i remember how i wrote it from midnight to 6 am and how i watched the sun rise as i was finishing my last sentence. it felt like i had regained all the strength and dignity i had lost to you over the past months. it felt like i had a new day to look forward to - both literally and metaphorically. it felt like i was brand new again.

i remember that day because you had come over for the final time, and we were struggling (in more ways than one) to finish our project. i remember how i told you i never wanted anything to do with you ever again, how i told you i didn't want to see you anymore after we had completed the project and printed it out. i remember i told you, to go.
and then i remember the walk we took, the two hours we spent outside my house just talking, away from my family because we didn't want to create a commotion. i remember the things we discussed, the stuff we mentioned.

i remember the last few words you said to me, "just back off, i don't want you to ruin my exams again,"

i remember feeling so shell shocked. i had no idea you blamed me for your exam results up until then. and then i knew that, all of this, the break-up, the messing around, the insults, the shouting, the cheating, the anger, the pain, the misery, the things you said to me, that it all started because you felt like i hadn't been supportive enough of you, of you being in school and of your exams. you couldn't talk to me about them. you were upset because your results were bad, and you couldn't talk to me because i had done so much better. and then somehow, along the way, i don't know how, it morphed into some sort of hatred for me, you started to blame me for telling you exams were "easy", for telling you that it would be okay because you can always pull your cap up later. you blamed me for your failures. and up until today, (even if i know i'm not supposed to) i still question myself, because i have this feeling that maybe you're right.

i don't know.
maybe you were just bitter.

so, is it really wrong that i feel this way?
i mean it took me almost a year to forget you and to get over you. and all i wanted was to be left alone. this is my blog, and this is my space. and i will not let anybody invade it. nobody ever asked you to go looking for it, nobody shoved your face right up to the computer screen and made you read it.

couldn't you have just spared me from having to suffer along with you and your guilt?
couldn't you have just left me alone, or told her to do the same?
do you not owe me an apology? why defend her instead?

at the end of it all, the more i think about it, especially after what happened that day, the more i want to have nothing to do with you anymore. forget about reconciliation, forget about trying to apologise or even wanting to be friends again. you and the memories you bring, and the things you have done, and her, you are all not worth it, not worth my sanity and my peace.

i took so long to come to terms with everything, and believe you me, it was the hardest thing i've ever encountered in a very, very long time.
i'm not going to let you get to me like you did one year ago, i'm not going to crumble again.

stop contacting me - both her and you. leave me be, and deal with your own guilt yourselves. don't use me as an excuse for the way you feel now. i stand by my words. a relationship built on a foundation as disgusting and illegitimate as yours, can only last that long. and whatever she said two weeks ago, how she feels and what she told me, only serves to vindicate this.

i'm dropping this heavy load from my back. i'm letting it slide off and slip away. i'm leaving you behind.