painful.

sometimes at night, especially when it's reeeaaally late, and i'm doing work, sometimes my mind wanders.

and it starts to rewind my memories. almost entirely out of my control.
and i listen to sad music and everything is set for a super emo time-out. which is extremely annoying and pathetic. it makes me think of you. it makes me weak.

sometimes i feel like when i close my eyes, i'm not here. and it feels like i'm running, and there's the wind on my back, through my hair, sweeping through my insides. and i feel so free. like i don't have to worry about this anymore. sometimes, maybe it's the feeling of falling. falling without ending. no abrupt stops. no dead drop. just an eternal fall.
sometimes i don't really know where all this comes from.


and i still cry. yes i do, to this day, i cry.
why?
i don't really know actually.
i could just be a very, very emotional person. i could just be stressed. i could still be in pain. and it could very well be all of the above.

i think know you still feel me. and i know that there's a part of you that's still in pain. because it's probably the same for the both of us. we are, unfortunately, two very, very, very scarred souls.
and a year seems like such a short time. it whizzed by, don't you think?
give it 5 years, maybe 10 maybe 20. things might change. the feelings may wear off, die out, or simply not matter anymore. they may linger, but hopefully they won't be there.

why?

why do i still hang onto the hope of returning? why do i take it as a given?
i don't know. i'm not someone who breaks things off permanently. i don't burn my bridges. well, maybe i do. but i most definitely try my best to reconstruct them.
it's just not in my nature to cut ties off completely. i just can't.
i suppose it contradicts whatever i've been saying so far. but whatever. fuck it.

it hurts. but it is so dull, it doesn't hurt the way it used to anymore.
and then suddenly, nothing really matters anymore.

am i a better person than i was before? am i more mature, more relaxed, less uptight, demanding, coercive? well, i sure hope so.
am i more cautious? more apprehensive? more jaded?
yeah.

what can you do about that, right?

tonight, for the very first time since we broke up, i found myself fighting the urge to call you. fighting the urge to pick up my mobile and dialing those numbers i know so well. those numbers i know by heart.
fighting the urge to call you, to say hi, to ask you if you're doing okay.
fuck, why the hell do i still care? i don't understand. and this makes me mad. mad at myself.
after all you've done, why do i still give a damn?

i always thought i was stronger than that. i always thought i had principles i abided by, things i would never compromise on, but in all actuality, i'm weak.
there's always something about first loves right.
they tend to stick with you forever.

i guess you never really stop loving someone.

and at the end of the day, i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.