this is all terrible!
but that said, i had an awesome birthday and week and i wouldn't trade my friends for anything else in the world ;)
sigh. tomorrow is the last day of the 6th week of school. after tomorrow, i will officially only have 1 and a half semesters' worth of formal education left. i am dreading this. badly.
i really don't want to leave school, just when i'm beginning to enjoy it the most, just when i'm beginning to make the most of my uni life and when i'm beginning to open up and make so many new friends, and meet new people.
but better late than never! better my last and final year than to graduate not making any friends at all.
i spent about four hours in the library this afternoon trying to catch up on reading. it's been rather progressive so far. i hope to finish catching up by this weekend so that i can get started on studying for the mid-terms and also so that i can start researching on my thesis.
i also plan to buy a new ipod this coming week :) (stop me now if you think that is a bad idea all you techies out there!!) i think i deserve one, and i'm pretty sure i need one. haha, don't ask why. (i really don't know either).
i must let my body recover from all the partying this week. it's been battered and bruised and suffering from lack of sleep, water and rest in general. therefore, i've declared party-free days for the next three days and i'm hoping to be able to recover from this horrid flu.
indecision makes you do dumb things.
especially indecision + hunger.
i was at subway having an early dinner with K today. i couldn't decide between a cold cut trio and a cheese steak. so i bought both. because i'm greedy like that. and because i was hungry and because i REALLY COULDN't PICK one over the other.
so i practically ate a foot long.
that was at 6pm.
i am still very full now. 7 hours later. amazing, right?
i also feel extremely healthy because...hey it's SUBWAY!
and i didn't eat the cookie :)
i did however, have two cups of coffee today. i dunno if this is a good or bad thing. but oh well. i'm already too far down the treacherous path of coffee addiction to turn back and redeem myself. might as well get even more addicted. i need to however, think of what i will do when my tolerance makes my caffeine appetite competely insatiable. this, i will think of when the time comes.
also, i need to think of contingency plans for when (and if) i do get pregnant in future. i mean, i really don't want to be poisoning the foetus with caffeine. maybe i will turn to green tea. oh my goodness me.
so gay.
i'm 22!! what a surreal feeling.
not 21 anymore.
not the special age.
i'm officially, unequivocally, sadly, traumatically.... an ADULT. like surely, beyond redemption and return to childhood, an ADULT! damnit.
i'm scared you know.
scared of growing older.
scared of responsibilities.
scared of adulthood.
scared of the future.
is it wrong? i think it's not.
i think it's natural to fear the future because you don't know what lies ahead.
and what you don't know....uncertainty....always scares you.
unless you are some adrenaline junkie who thrives on "the unpredictability of life".
i'm scared that i'll never learn how to love again.
i'm scared that i'll never be able to do it fully again.
i'm scared of giving my heart away.
so cliche, but it's so damn true. and i wish it weren't. i wish it was all innocent love and daisies and hearts forever.
but it no longer is.
i don't hate men. not yet. (haha!)
i'm just more weary of them. and i'm just slow to trust.
but you know, what i've learnt?
it's to let go.
it's to relax and to stop controlling my life, or the lives of others.
it's to not let my happiness be dependent entirely upon one man or one person.
it's to never put my eggs all into one basket, and to never be entirely vulnerable to one man.
a year ago, i would have never, ever, ever understood this.
i understand this clearly now.
and the funny thing is, right now, there are a couple of guys in my life who might or may mean something to me, and honestly, i'd like to keep it that way. i'm still young, i deserve to keep my options open and not just bag the first one that comes along. hahaha, need to do some QC (quality control). and, definitely, no rebounds. i'm pretty sure i'm way past the rebound stage.
i know i deserve something better. i just haven't found it yet. or maybe i have, but he hasn't proven himself to me yet. so i'll just be happy with what i have right now.
hahaha, superficially-speaking, i'm just thankful i'm not butt ugly. i'm sorry, i don't mean to offend anyone in anyway at all (and i say this in the most sincere of manners), but somehow or rather, the world is friendlier to you when you look better.
but don't get me wrong, it'll get you places. but it's not enough. it won't get you very far if underneath all that beauty, there isn't a personality or a brain. or a conscience.
i don't see a need to dumb myself down for a guy.
i don't see a need to constantly watch myself and pretend to be slow/blur/dumb/agreeable....just so it will get me a guy who has his own share of man-ego problems.
this is the way i am.
take it, or leave it.
whoa. what is up with me man.
some serious feminazi guy bashing going on here.
i think it's the paracetamol i took just now!! hahahaha.
okay i better stop.
i think i've scared you enough.
i honestly don't know where that came from.
maybe i'm just mean deep down inside.
does it matter?
take me like that. ruin it all.
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