just give it away tonight.

it's 1 am in the morning.
i'm sitting here trying to get through readings for american history :)
and i've just realised that it's the 20th of october. wow, time really flies very fast. honestly.

just think of it as time passing, just time passing.

maybe one day, things will get better, much, much better and we'll be able to look each other in the eye again and maybe, we'll even talk. maybe.

sometimes, i sit down and my itunes shuffles music and some songs just remind me of certain time periods in my life.
like the one i'm listening to now, it reminded me of April this year. when i struggled to come to terms with everything, when i picked myself up, when i cried, when i couldn't eat and when i finally set myself free, only to realise that i may have left a piece of me behind with you.

haha, i realised that during those months, i listened to a bajilion depressing, melancholy songs. just because.

now i sing happy songs. fast ones. crazy ones. stupid ones. and i sing them all out loud! especially when i'm driving ;) i am such a motor mouth. and i love it! i love, especially, scaring the drivers in cars next to or in front of me!

so my life. my music. they are perpetually in sync.

and then there are those times, those fleeting times when my mind thinks of the times we spent. i hate the bittersweetness of that feeling. i hate it. because i can't decide whether to cry, to laugh, to smile or to let it pass. most times, i just let it go.

the funny thing is, i don't know if you still bother to think about me in the way that i do for you. not that it really needs any effort.

and then at times, i catch myself and i do a 180. because i can keep analysing it, and i'll never figure out what it is with this; why i can't get rid of you. why your ghost, your shadow still haunts me. and incredulously, i wish i could eternal sunshine you. because it makes things less complicated.

first loves are difficult huh?
i think they always represent the kind of love from ourselves that is pure and unadulterated. the kind that has not been tainted by the past or by prior experiences. it always represents the original and true way we "love" someone.
because the "loves" after that, are all built upon earlier "loves" and are never pure.

am i being too cryptic? i don't know. i guess this is kinda stupid.

but i don't know. i don't really think forever really lasts now. and i don't just mean it in reference to a relationship or anything of the lovey-dovey sort. i also mean it in terms of losing someone. i don't think we ever "lose" people forever. which is why, i'm pretty sure, we'll meet each other again, when we are ready to turn around and stop running away from all of this, and by this i don't mean the relationship, but rather, the fact that we have this immense silence between us right now, this huge, thick, buffer zone that spreads itself out over time and space, that keeps us apart, that keeps us running in opposite directions as we lead our respective life paths. and which is perpetuated by ourselves, and ourselves alone.

right now, i don't even want to talk about forgiveness. and i say this, with utmost sincerity; without any sarcasm. i don't even want to bring up the past, i don't even want to bring "us" up. i just want to turn around, and look at you and say, "okay, where do we go from here?" i just can't find it in me to be the first to turn.


six months. wow half a year. and then a year, two years, three, four, five. another six? or ten?
it's just time passing huh? what can i say? what do you want me to say?

i'm not in pain anymore. i'm not hurt either. i'm just, well, in a good and calming way,

pretty numb.


just time passing.