my suitcase heart.

*BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF*

thank goodness that went well.
i had an awesome presentation today, eventhough i was so worried about it...for like forever, literally.

can't wait for halloween weekend! it'll be fun and awesome :)

i still have one more essay and one more presentation to clear before i can settle down to study for the exams. hopefully all goes well and i'll be able to get through this.
now, i just have to keep my head above the water and pull myself through.

i thought this semester was gonna be difficult, and lonely and boring. and worst of all, i thought it was gonna be depressing.
looking back on these 11 weeks, i guess it has worked out for the best.
i've made really good friends and even better ones. and i've found a place for myself and i feel like maybe, suddenly, somehow, i actually do belong somewhere.

if i told you i am afraid of the future, would you believe me?
and if i said, that, sometimes i feel completely insecure and completely alone, would you know what it feels like? i hope you do.

no, not because i'm spiteful or evil or malicious. but really, it would help to have somebody feel the same way, just because it would be comforting to know that you're not the only fallible one, that you're human too, and everybody else (or at least some people), have felt (or are still feeling) what you feel.

sometimes when i'm alone, i'm actually happy. and free and just at ease and at peace with everything, and with the way things have worked out for me. and i truly, really, absolutely enjoy that feeling. i just wish i could feel it more often.

and i think, everybody, even the most outgoing, the most social of us, even the ones who are continuously surrounded by friends, by people...i think even they have a separate sphere that belongs to them, and them alone. and this is really something that's just deep inside of us, just a place where no one can really reach us. and funnily, we want to keep it that way. we fight sometimes (both symbolically and literally), to keep this space ours, to keep it untainted and untouched by relationships, by people, by others.

and sometimes, everybody has their own quiet moments. yes, even the loudest of us all, we have moments when we are alone, when we are by ourselves, in our own worlds. and it is at these moments, that we choose to retreat into our separate, isolated worlds.

i don't think that's a bad thing to do.

i think it's something important, significant. almost, entirely,
necessary.

necessary for us to preserve our sense of ourselves, our sanity, our being.
so that, at the end of the day, in the midst of our jobs, our deadlines, our responsibilities, our appointments, our meet-ups and our parties...so that at the end of it all, once the day is over, we can go back to what we always are. we can withdraw ourselves from the social world, cleanse ourselves of all influences and touches and insults and anything that we've absorbed from others over the day, and just, really be who we are again.

and i like to do that. or at least, i'd like to think i can do that.
i do it here. i do it on this blog. because i know that it's here that i am me, and i'm alive and i'm everything, all of the time.

and it's where i can just be who i am once again.



then i give you nothing.
i keep the millions of me that make me, me.
i keep my moments without thought of you
because to think of you makes you strong (and i will make you weak).
i keep and declare my right to give you
nothing. nothing. nothing.