but i got bored.
HAHAHA! bet you thought i was going to go into some political discussion right here. right now.
i ended up reading this, and i really, really know what everything feels like. and it hits home. it feels comforting, good, that somebody else can put into words what i went through, and that it is so accurate and fitting.
and the whole moral of the story - it doesn't have to be that way. it just doesn't. you're free. and you can walk away.
anytime.
and the funniest thing, is i like being free.
i like having this choice. i like being forced to have this choice - does that make any sense? maybe not to you.
but in a way, i was forced to make that choice. and this choice has (in the most cliche of fashions), set me free.
"why do certain people feel that it is okay to treat someone a certain way,
and never have any consequences? why do we have to be the ones treated like
dirt, then watch them move on like nothing ever happened? like they never felt
an ounce of pain for stealing our dignity and virtue? why do they get to make us
look like the one crazy one who can't move on, when in reality they just can't
stand the thought of having us let go?" (thanks Chloe ;) )
sometimes i get all philosophical and emotional. and maybe too repetitive. and maybe i just sound like a narcissistic old hag. but i don't care. because to tell you the truth, this is something that crosses my mind almost everyday. almost. even if it's a slowly fading memory, it's still there. and the pain, it can totally and most definitely surface and sneak up on me at the most unusual of times, in the most unusual of places.
i was at a place we used to frequent almost tri-weekly when we were together. it hasn't changed much even if i have been avoiding it for the last 5 months (partly because i know you go there still, maybe with her. maybe not. and partly because, i was afraid of what it would feel like). i went the other day, well because i was hungry and because those waffles smelled really good. i got my favourite belgian waffle with honey. and the funny thing was, those memories - they are definitely still there - they came back, but that's all they did. they were just beneath-the-surface-memories. ones that are benign, ones that don't threaten to break the surface. ones that are (dare i say) almost neutral. almost. because even if we had many good memories on our afternoons there, the memory of you (and believe me, this is a bad memory), washes over all of it. and all the goodness of the earlier memories have been blackened by the poison that you became in my mind.
ooohhh this is such a poisonous post!
okay i need to go back and read about nk.
because i am an unstoppable, unslackable, non-procastinating STUDY MACHINE.
watch me.
just watch me DEVOUR those pages.
there's only so much i can take,
and i've just gotta let it go.
2 comments:
Shirah, I feel like we can relate to each other so well :) seriously. The person that I was talking about in my post and my past, he started dating an ex-girl friend while we were still dating. I should haev seen all the warning signs. I just kept trying to convince myself things would work out. It was the crappiest few years of my life, and I was strung along and kept falling into his stupid trap. Finally, I changed my phone number, email, and everything. So he wouldn't be able to talk to anymore, and so I wouldn't be tempted to text or write him back.. I am so glad I did it. You deserve the best girl. You are so amazing, and I will kick this dudes ass if he ever comes to UTAH! (sorry, I know I dont know the whole story, but you are my friend and I want you to be happy)
hey chloe, thank you :) it's comforting to have someone know what it feels like to go through this because its hard to understand, for most people I guess, that these kind of wounds never really heal.
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